Who Am I?

December 21, 2018 § Leave a comment

Who Am I? A question I think everybody is familiar with and one that most expect to find the answer to in adulthood. I can’t help but be disappointingly aware that I am no closer to finding my personal identity. On the contrary, I’m more confused than ever and I think the digital world has contributed to my confusion. The internet allows you to create a convincing façade.

As a child I was an outgoing oddity with a strong sense of self. It was after beginning school where I learned being forthright could be adverse. Before school you are generally encouraged to be exploitative and express true emotions but when beginning schooling I wasn’t just introduced the ABC’s but also anxiety. Scolding would be the result of speaking without the raising an arm, doodling, humming, “poor” posture etc. The lack of small creative outlets pushed me deeper into my fantasies where it became more familiar than my reality. Befriending my school peers was uncommon too. My enthusiasm in fantasy games didn’t entice my peers and they quickly withdrew. I was quick to adopt the reality that most other children in class preferred competitive games which triggered my anxiety, resulting in becoming more alienated.

At twelve my school introduced a new subject, Drama. It instantly became my favourite subject. It encouraged me to delve into my fantasies and bring up all those different versions of myself I had only let loose in my mind.

Eventually I started adopting traits from my characters in my daily life. It inspired the way I dressed, spoke and even my gaze, trying to tailor the perfect Nicole everybody would love. I felt I was improving my insecurities but it actually fueled sadness as I was doing the opposite of what I desired. I was presenting a false Nicole by modulating my creative energies to fit into social normality when I really wanted to communicate truthfully and entertain those around with creativity.

At one stage I dressed in gothic attire, only in the evenings. This was when I discovered internet profiling websites and this gothic character became known online as, Winter Frost. In the daytime I would dress in beautiful vintage inspired attire and be, Nicole Melrose, the happy go-lucky bombshell. People couldn’t believe the gothic images and the bombshell images were the same person and for some reason that excited me. I also created online profiles for each of them. Nicole Melrose and Winter Frost were now two separate people. My social life bloomed and I developed two different social groups (online and offline). Facebook allowed me to view the “news” discussed in Nicole and Winter’s worlds. They were even invited to different events.

Eventually frustration grew as I wanted their worlds to combine. Living two lives was difficult. They had both been regarded as popular figures in this digital world but It never truly satisfied me or made me feel I had sincerely connected with anybody; but I felt beholden to it because it had given me some sort of social life.

Gradually Winter Frost faded away and I focused on Nicole Melrose. I Still have no idea how people really portray me. Even when receiving copious “likes” it doesn’t make me feel I’ve connected.

Also once my concern in my career was being black listed. A new concern is having my online profile (Instagram) @Nicole_Melrose removed. My fan base would be scattered and almost impossible to repair quickly. I want to preserve my fan base and communicate with you more sincerely; though honesty I have no clue “who” or what I am preserving because I’m not sure who I am.  I’m caught in the Internet’s web of posting photographs of myself giving the illusion that I am fully rounded in personality and appearance. Dr Aaron Humphrey gives a few good examples in his comic strips, one being, “Another way that user profiles and audience personas are similar is that both are constructed representations — masks designed in the shape of individuals” (Humphrey 2017, p.6).

I’ve worn so many “masks” through my life but wearing them online is far too easy to get away with. Online I am Nicole Melrose, a vintage inspired bombshell who radiates through her sexuality in photographs hoping, to be your pin-up girl.

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Venetian Carnival Mask – creative commons by gnuckx – (CC0 by .10) – 16/12/18

I’m not saying everything I write or the pictures I put up are all deceptions… I just don’t know how to engage with more sincerity online. I do have a twitter account which sometimes I use to broadcast sincere thoughts or epiphany: NicoleMelroseT

A large part of my problem is that I’m still struggling to find a deeper understanding of myself personally and I’m not sure how to approach this journey of self-discovery. It’s definitely not a lack of confidence either. I just honesty have no clue who I am and the internet makes it too easy to continue being deceptive… who am I really deceiving? You who read and see my photographs; or myself? Both. In the end you will finish reading this, move onto something else the internet offers, forgetting about Nicole Melrose until the next thing of mine reveals itself online. I’m able to stop writing but I can’t escape the confused Nicole. It’s become very apparent to me that now I’ve addressed this confusion so it’s time for me to be mindful of discovering my values and formulate my own purpose.

References:                                                                                                          

Dr Aaron Humphrey, AH 2017, ‘User Personas and User Media Profiles’ reading online, vol 3 no. 2, retrieved 2018, < https://ojs.deakin.edu.au/index.php/ps/article/view/708/653 >

All photographs taken by Nicole Melrose unless specified.

My First Patreon Account

November 27, 2018 § Leave a comment

Dear readers,

Once again it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had a wildly productive year of learning and achievements. I am aware externally I have no changed so nobody can see the progress I have made in mental health and in the healing of my heart. I’ve always been a rather frantic person, whether or not its seen in my behavior, my heart and mind seemed to always be arguing. It wasn’t until I became mindful of patience. I am uncertain to what it was that shifted in me, I think I truly just grew exhausted by my mind and realized I actually had the ability to change my bantering thought process. I could best describe it to listening to metal music 24/7 (which as much as I enjoy it, when it’s time to rest it generally doesn’t help) and then I realized I could change the station to something calmer like, Chopin or Bach.

In other news I’m excited to say I’m back at university studying performing arts and online Social Media. The film, The Hollow Way (which I wrote and planned on making for a long while) was finally filmed and is now in Post production! I’ve also opened my own website selling prints and advertising my work as a performer as and actress, singer, burlesque dancer and model etc which can be found at: www.NicoleMelrose.com

More exciting news is that I began a Patreon account: www.patreon.com/NicoleMelrose

At the website you can become a member and select your Tier. Depending on what you select which ranges from $1-$20 you will receive benefits and it allows me to communicated and share my art and progresses on a more intimate level with my supporters. I have had my first subscriber which is very fun and I’ve already enjoyed sending BTS photographs, early release images and much much more. I’ve opened up a private Instagram which only the Patreon Members will have access to. My goal is to reach 50 patreon members which will allow me to create and execute consistent photoshoots that I unfortunately can’t do on my on at the moment. So every cent counts.

Here are a few sneak peak images to get an idea.

Of course the images they receive will be uncensored and more personal! Not to say I will neglect my WordPress and Instagram followers but if it isn’t for the people who take interest in my work and find a few spare dollars to donate to seeing more of my art (which will include many more exciting future benefits such as calendars, merchandise, discounts, private journal entries and even every now and again I’ll ask my most dedicated Patreons for photoshoot ideas!) 

 

Peter Janson’s Mansion (Part i & ii)

April 26, 2016 § Leave a comment

This coming June – July, I will be traveling around the United States again. Peter Coulson and I will meet up a few times in the U.S to continue our series. I’m relived to not only be working around the U.S but to see many of my close friends once again. One very difficult thing about living such an international lifestyle is the fact that everybody you once touched, will no sooner be out of reach. I am also very restless when it comes to settling down, my home is built of countries. My living-room lays in Sweden, my kitchen in Australian, my backyard in America… and so it goes.

Below is a set Peter Coulson and I did a while ago. I will add more pictures to Part ii, soon.

Peter Janson (Part i)

(Part of… watch this space) Peter Janson (Part ii)

SHE

Before you take her you must consider,
That without care her spirit will wither,
You must caress her daily and show her worth of praise,
She will be high maintenance, (I will not lie),
But she will be sure to strive when you are down,
To make you smile, or at least spend the rest of her day to try,
Make sure she has room to be,
For she is one who caves to be free,
Keep her entertained with humor, learning and funny games,
And she will be sure to remain tamed,
Especially as she carries heavy insecurities, shame and loathing,
She will be a responsibility,
I know, because this woman is me,
Not only will you have to simply love me,
But a part of you will have to adopt me,
My best advice is to stay away,
For if you try your patience your life may simply end in decay,
And for that, in advance I apologize,
I am nothing but an infant with glistening eyes.

Tonight’s Explosion!

September 21, 2015 § Leave a comment

For those of you curious to hear a little bit more about Ruby’s Balloon, here is an interview straight from the director and I (interviewed by Emily Steckly)! Or maybe this is just interesting for those of you who are curious to hear what I sound like, as photographs don’t literally “say more than a thousand words”…or any words at all.

Underneath is an invitation which will be held in the CBD.
There will be live entertainment with Diego Villalta’s and his band (I’ll even sing a few jazz numbers with the band). But most importantly, every drink purchased will help raise money for our feature-short. We hope to see you all there.

Ruby's-Balloon-Online-Invitation

A big thank you to Lustre bar for supporting our film and event.

Silly Billy and actress Nicole mmmmmmm...Melrose

Bursting With Anticipation over Ruby’s Balloon

September 20, 2015 § Leave a comment

We are very proud to announce that designer Anie Zanazanian (Anie Z Couture) will be making and styling all the costumes for Ruby and her husband. She will be creating a new iconic yellow dress for Ruby to wear in the feature length film (still 1950’s inspired of course).

Anie Z, (if you don’t already know) is a designer who took Melbourne by storm almost overnight. She has very recently created clothing for renowned Ita Buttrose (Studio Ten, Channel Ten, Click here to watch), had her clothing in the Fashion Aid Runway (as the final featured designer) and is currently travelling Europe with her gowns. It is an honor to have such a passionate and talented designer working on our film! (You can read more about her on Anna Pappas blog HERE)

 Studio Ten Live Fashion AidAnie Z Couture Fashion Aid After Partyphoto (1)AnieZ Couture Fashion Aid

Anie Z Couture

More exciting news includes work on our new film score. Ken White has traveled all around the world playing music throughout his life! He specializes in jazz and has been working on developing our film score inspired by the classic French jazz sound. Another interesting fact is his band headlined in Sweden for a while back in the day.

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Emily Steckly is a writer who has written and edited a few articles in the past for me. Recently she conducted an interview with Billy Minshull-Gardner (The director of Ruby’s Balloon) and I, asking us questions about our ambitions for the film and the plot line for the feature-short. I couldn’t have asked for a better writer.

The Afterglow

Emily Steckly has also written various plays and has written a new show playing in the Melbourne Fringe festival, The Afterglow. – “What is death? And why do we mourn the loss of those both familiar and strange?

29th of September – 3rd of October

The Owl and Cat Theatre (34 Swan street, Richmond)

Book tickets at: owlandcat.com.au or ring, 9421 3020

SimplePoster

Sean paris

To keep updated on our film progress you can keep an eye on:

Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/rubysballoon?ref=hl

Pozible: www.pozible.com/project/199173

(Donations are still open until the 22nd of September. Even a donation of $5 will mean the world to us).

FilmInk Article: http://www.filmink.com.au/notices/11520/

P.S
We will soon be hosting auditions for actor’s to play Ruby’s husband, a featured baker and a few other roles. So make sure to keep watching these spaces!

The unleashing of Skin and Words.

September 4, 2015 § 5 Comments

When I write these posts I have absolutely no idea how to begin or any idea of what to bleed my introductions into. I want to write about whatever thoughts are haunting my mind but I… don’t.
I am fairly concerned about what people’s opinion of me may be if they read a sentence or two from the inner realms of my mind. I also become disturbingly aware of how naively ambitious I am in thinking people may find interest in my words. Words are one of the most threatening things in my opinion as my mind in full of them. Through the first half of school I could barely read. I felt every word mocked me and when I read aloud almost every person who heard me, laughed. I remember miss-spelling ‘painting’ as ‘panting’ and one of my grandmother’s friend’s laughed unknowingly at my distress. I remember my closest friend in school wanting me to read a chapter of her book because she found my interpretation of words hilarious. Every word I misread (which was almost every second word) she would heartily laugh over. None of this was in spite of me but every laugh made me more and more anxious over my stupidity. So in a sense I feel as though I have had to conquer words. I’ve been writing a lot throughout the years now, in the hearts of my diaries where my opinions are safe. Hopefully, this is an introduction to me expressing myself, virtually at least (which I guess is the new ‘public’ place). I guess I would like to be seen beyond the photographs.

Peter Coulson released pictures of me topless this afternoon for the first time. This is definitely not the first ‘nudish’ photoshoot, (or nude I have done). The first time I shot nude has been locked away. I will let that photograph out some day but for now these will do.

If you have read what I have written then I would love to thank you for giving this time to my string of words.

Consider this the unleashing of skin and words.

Peter Coulson’s work can be found on: http://blog.peter-coulson.com.au/

P.s
I will briefly mention the new film I am making with Billy Minshull-Gardner called, Ruby’s Balloon. We are seeking help in funding and would honestly really appreciate any contribution to it. We are trying to raise $8,000 within the next 19 days. If we do not reach this amount we won’t receive any of the donations already made! It may seem very ambitious of us as we are new to the public world in film… but we are definitely not new to this world artistically.

Artist: Nathalie Rattner

Artist: Nathalie Rattner

You can find the film at: http://www.pozible.com/project/199173

(It will ask you to become a member to make a donation. It only takes about 30 seconds).

Working with Yervant Zanazanian for Canon

May 21, 2014 § Leave a comment

Yesterday I worked with photographer Yervant Zanazanian for Canon and his wife Anie Zanazanian who designed the beautiful dresses I modelled. I worked beside the lovely gentleman Reese and met the model Teisha who also works with Vicious Models.

In June I will be performing in the play Noises Off as Brooke and Vickie (June 12th-July 21st). If you are interested in tickets the details are in “Current and Upcoming Performances”.

Immediately after the show closes I will be flying to Europe for three weeks where I will visit Sweden and Germany. I will be visiting a good friend of mine who is a terrific artist. Maybe some of you remember the beautiful painting Luke Kopycinski did of me?

Where Am I?

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