Who Am I?

December 21, 2018 § Leave a comment

Who Am I? A question I think everybody is familiar with and one that most expect to find the answer to in adulthood. I can’t help but be disappointingly aware that I am no closer to finding my personal identity. On the contrary, I’m more confused than ever and I think the digital world has contributed to my confusion. The internet allows you to create a convincing façade.

As a child I was an outgoing oddity with a strong sense of self. It was after beginning school where I learned being forthright could be adverse. Before school you are generally encouraged to be exploitative and express true emotions but when beginning schooling I wasn’t just introduced the ABC’s but also anxiety. Scolding would be the result of speaking without the raising an arm, doodling, humming, “poor” posture etc. The lack of small creative outlets pushed me deeper into my fantasies where it became more familiar than my reality. Befriending my school peers was uncommon too. My enthusiasm in fantasy games didn’t entice my peers and they quickly withdrew. I was quick to adopt the reality that most other children in class preferred competitive games which triggered my anxiety, resulting in becoming more alienated.

At twelve my school introduced a new subject, Drama. It instantly became my favourite subject. It encouraged me to delve into my fantasies and bring up all those different versions of myself I had only let loose in my mind.

Eventually I started adopting traits from my characters in my daily life. It inspired the way I dressed, spoke and even my gaze, trying to tailor the perfect Nicole everybody would love. I felt I was improving my insecurities but it actually fueled sadness as I was doing the opposite of what I desired. I was presenting a false Nicole by modulating my creative energies to fit into social normality when I really wanted to communicate truthfully and entertain those around with creativity.

At one stage I dressed in gothic attire, only in the evenings. This was when I discovered internet profiling websites and this gothic character became known online as, Winter Frost. In the daytime I would dress in beautiful vintage inspired attire and be, Nicole Melrose, the happy go-lucky bombshell. People couldn’t believe the gothic images and the bombshell images were the same person and for some reason that excited me. I also created online profiles for each of them. Nicole Melrose and Winter Frost were now two separate people. My social life bloomed and I developed two different social groups (online and offline). Facebook allowed me to view the “news” discussed in Nicole and Winter’s worlds. They were even invited to different events.

Eventually frustration grew as I wanted their worlds to combine. Living two lives was difficult. They had both been regarded as popular figures in this digital world but It never truly satisfied me or made me feel I had sincerely connected with anybody; but I felt beholden to it because it had given me some sort of social life.

Gradually Winter Frost faded away and I focused on Nicole Melrose. I Still have no idea how people really portray me. Even when receiving copious “likes” it doesn’t make me feel I’ve connected.

Also once my concern in my career was being black listed. A new concern is having my online profile (Instagram) @Nicole_Melrose removed. My fan base would be scattered and almost impossible to repair quickly. I want to preserve my fan base and communicate with you more sincerely; though honesty I have no clue “who” or what I am preserving because I’m not sure who I am.  I’m caught in the Internet’s web of posting photographs of myself giving the illusion that I am fully rounded in personality and appearance. Dr Aaron Humphrey gives a few good examples in his comic strips, one being, “Another way that user profiles and audience personas are similar is that both are constructed representations — masks designed in the shape of individuals” (Humphrey 2017, p.6).

I’ve worn so many “masks” through my life but wearing them online is far too easy to get away with. Online I am Nicole Melrose, a vintage inspired bombshell who radiates through her sexuality in photographs hoping, to be your pin-up girl.

Screenshot (108)

Venetian Carnival Mask – creative commons by gnuckx – (CC0 by .10) – 16/12/18

I’m not saying everything I write or the pictures I put up are all deceptions… I just don’t know how to engage with more sincerity online. I do have a twitter account which sometimes I use to broadcast sincere thoughts or epiphany: NicoleMelroseT

A large part of my problem is that I’m still struggling to find a deeper understanding of myself personally and I’m not sure how to approach this journey of self-discovery. It’s definitely not a lack of confidence either. I just honesty have no clue who I am and the internet makes it too easy to continue being deceptive… who am I really deceiving? You who read and see my photographs; or myself? Both. In the end you will finish reading this, move onto something else the internet offers, forgetting about Nicole Melrose until the next thing of mine reveals itself online. I’m able to stop writing but I can’t escape the confused Nicole. It’s become very apparent to me that now I’ve addressed this confusion so it’s time for me to be mindful of discovering my values and formulate my own purpose.

References:                                                                                                          

Dr Aaron Humphrey, AH 2017, ‘User Personas and User Media Profiles’ reading online, vol 3 no. 2, retrieved 2018, < https://ojs.deakin.edu.au/index.php/ps/article/view/708/653 >

All photographs taken by Nicole Melrose unless specified.

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My First Patreon Account

November 27, 2018 § Leave a comment

Dear readers,

Once again it’s been a while since my last post. I’ve had a wildly productive year of learning and achievements. I am aware externally I have no changed so nobody can see the progress I have made in mental health and in the healing of my heart. I’ve always been a rather frantic person, whether or not its seen in my behavior, my heart and mind seemed to always be arguing. It wasn’t until I became mindful of patience. I am uncertain to what it was that shifted in me, I think I truly just grew exhausted by my mind and realized I actually had the ability to change my bantering thought process. I could best describe it to listening to metal music 24/7 (which as much as I enjoy it, when it’s time to rest it generally doesn’t help) and then I realized I could change the station to something calmer like, Chopin or Bach.

In other news I’m excited to say I’m back at university studying performing arts and online Social Media. The film, The Hollow Way (which I wrote and planned on making for a long while) was finally filmed and is now in Post production! I’ve also opened my own website selling prints and advertising my work as a performer as and actress, singer, burlesque dancer and model etc which can be found at: www.NicoleMelrose.com

More exciting news is that I began a Patreon account: www.patreon.com/NicoleMelrose

At the website you can become a member and select your Tier. Depending on what you select which ranges from $1-$20 you will receive benefits and it allows me to communicated and share my art and progresses on a more intimate level with my supporters. I have had my first subscriber which is very fun and I’ve already enjoyed sending BTS photographs, early release images and much much more. I’ve opened up a private Instagram which only the Patreon Members will have access to. My goal is to reach 50 patreon members which will allow me to create and execute consistent photoshoots that I unfortunately can’t do on my on at the moment. So every cent counts.

Here are a few sneak peak images to get an idea.

Of course the images they receive will be uncensored and more personal! Not to say I will neglect my WordPress and Instagram followers but if it isn’t for the people who take interest in my work and find a few spare dollars to donate to seeing more of my art (which will include many more exciting future benefits such as calendars, merchandise, discounts, private journal entries and even every now and again I’ll ask my most dedicated Patreons for photoshoot ideas!) 

 

I Do Struggle

March 21, 2018 § Leave a comment

I guess when I meet people for the first I try to give the impression of being a successful young lady. Truthfully it is almost all a façade – smoke and mirrors as the phrase goes. Financially, I manage to scrape by. I always make sure I am well-groomed and this is through years of practice in using minimal resources that aren’t costly. I’ve also made it a practice to buy clothes from thrift stores which I restore or repair to the best of my abilities. In my career as a performer and artist, but in particular as a model; a lot of photographers, designers… and basically anybody in that industry have often given me the impression that my time and efforts are not as important as theirs. I am an artist and I have for as long as I can remember, thanked my stars that I am given the opportunity to work creatively even if I am paid less that minimum or simply given time to collaborate with another artist. I never want to be one of those to complain or seem ungrateful but I am now going to admit personally I often question my self-worth because of how the industry really treats its models or if you ask to be paid adequately for your time. One is expected to perform well and always be presentable on a very strict income. I often feel like a puppet that will be tossed away if my strings become tangled; and I spend almost every night of my life untangling my strings to survive the next day.

I think a lot of models feel a similar way too and I think it is very damaging for the human soul. I am not naïve to the struggles photographers and other artists/industry people go through, it’s a tough industry but we are all artists and we all strive to make a living. Just… if we could treat each other with a little more genteel…

On a different note below is a video with clips from the House Of Burlesque’s, Havana Night which I performed in.

And if you haven’t already seen my website you can see it at http://www.NicoleMelrose.com

To All you Human Angels

February 12, 2018 § Leave a comment

Dearest readers, 

To those whom I know and to those I do not. I am ever so grateful for all your support in my work and art forms. I will leak a little secret honesty today. I am a being who ‘feels’ immensely (as all beings do). I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar and though some days I feel and see all the beauty in the world, it can turn on me in an instant. This does not mean I am unreliable and can’t function it just means it’s a part of life I need to factor into my daily routine and keep mindful of. My emotions drive me and can easily hijack my rational and ‘common sense‘ (a phrase I honestly loath).

These last two years I have been confronted with my bad habits to escape these emotions. I self sabotage myself because of it but recently I have made the choice to not remain caged to my chosen naivety. For years I felt I was at war with myself and loved ones around me also suffered or were confused as a consequence. I’ve spent my whole life dreaming of working towards being the greatest actress and artist that I can be, but of course my little demon with the bellowing voice inside mocked me. I won’t even write the things my mind tricked me into believing. But now every morning I look at this woman in the mirror who I’m slowly learning is me and voicing, “I love you and you are lovable.” As silly as it sounds its something so difficult, but it seems to be working good in me.

Self love is a difficult thing and I am sure many people suffer a similar delusion. I may never meet you (reader) but believe these words you read sincerely from me, if I were to meet you I’d recognize your beauty. Life runs on a fuel I personally call love and that is what we are all made up of. It’s easier to love another but darling readers remember to love yourself. You are beautiful. Be yourself, everybody else is taken and are just as spectacular.

With all my heart, yours truly, Nicole Melrose.

Kisses

I’ll update you a little more of my works for those that are interested. Peter Coulson and I have still been working on photographs for our exhibition which is being sponsored by a wonderful company (which I will not disclosed for now).

The film Ruby’s Balloon has been accepted into the Berlin Film Festival which is very exciting. I apologize to all our supporters for the delay in our work as we have been working so long in the post-production, and the Director’s move to England for work has also made it difficult (though I am very proud of his endeavors and new work).

I have been shooting with a fair few new photographers and working on my new burlesque routines. I have been given the opportunity to perform at the House Of Burlesque which I will advertise soon.

To finish I will leave a link to my new website created for my Burlesque, modelling and Singing. Here you book me for events and even see a few of my clips/photographs.

Nicole Melrose Webiste

Video: Jodi Plumbley

Also if anybody never read an interview I did a while back here is the link: Balln’ On a Budget

My Return to My Swedish Routes

July 2, 2017 § Leave a comment

Dear Reader(s),

I have returned to Sweden based between Stockholm and Uppsala. I am visiting my friends and family but also with the ambition to find a few venues to put on some of my burlesque/jazz performances. I have only just begun to recover from my jet-lag and though I have only been in Sweden for three days I have already caught up with half of my family and friend, not to forget to mention the beautiful Model Estelle Moughton (a dear and old friend of mine).

I am not only looking to do performances but to leap back into modelling again after a long break due to my year and a half long studies in performing (which I graduated in only a week ago)! My spirits are high as are my ambitions. I wish all you human beings my love and support and if you do ever have the chance to see an act of mine, know it is all performed with passion, communication and love for each and every one of you.

I am also willing to travel around Europe for modelling work (expenses paid) for those photographers and artists that are interested in working with me.

Peter Janson’s Mansion (Part i & ii)

April 26, 2016 § Leave a comment

This coming June – July, I will be traveling around the United States again. Peter Coulson and I will meet up a few times in the U.S to continue our series. I’m relived to not only be working around the U.S but to see many of my close friends once again. One very difficult thing about living such an international lifestyle is the fact that everybody you once touched, will no sooner be out of reach. I am also very restless when it comes to settling down, my home is built of countries. My living-room lays in Sweden, my kitchen in Australian, my backyard in America… and so it goes.

Below is a set Peter Coulson and I did a while ago. I will add more pictures to Part ii, soon.

Peter Janson (Part i)

(Part of… watch this space) Peter Janson (Part ii)

SHE

Before you take her you must consider,
That without care her spirit will wither,
You must caress her daily and show her worth of praise,
She will be high maintenance, (I will not lie),
But she will be sure to strive when you are down,
To make you smile, or at least spend the rest of her day to try,
Make sure she has room to be,
For she is one who caves to be free,
Keep her entertained with humor, learning and funny games,
And she will be sure to remain tamed,
Especially as she carries heavy insecurities, shame and loathing,
She will be a responsibility,
I know, because this woman is me,
Not only will you have to simply love me,
But a part of you will have to adopt me,
My best advice is to stay away,
For if you try your patience your life may simply end in decay,
And for that, in advance I apologize,
I am nothing but an infant with glistening eyes.

Tonight’s Explosion!

September 21, 2015 § Leave a comment

For those of you curious to hear a little bit more about Ruby’s Balloon, here is an interview straight from the director and I (interviewed by Emily Steckly)! Or maybe this is just interesting for those of you who are curious to hear what I sound like, as photographs don’t literally “say more than a thousand words”…or any words at all.

Underneath is an invitation which will be held in the CBD.
There will be live entertainment with Diego Villalta’s and his band (I’ll even sing a few jazz numbers with the band). But most importantly, every drink purchased will help raise money for our feature-short. We hope to see you all there.

Ruby's-Balloon-Online-Invitation

A big thank you to Lustre bar for supporting our film and event.

Silly Billy and actress Nicole mmmmmmm...Melrose